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When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you see yourself or an image of who you think you are?

I wonder about this many times. Whenever I see myself on video or hear my interviews on the radio, I sound so strange. Everyone around is certain that the 2-dimensional person on the screen is exactly the same as the person standing next to them, but I am not 100% convinced. Surprise, surprise, but what we think about ourselves and what others think about us are so different that sometimes it feels as if we are not talking about the same person.

What we think about ourselves is what we call our "Self Concept". If you want to discover yours, simply ask yourself: Who am I?

This seemingly simple question is big, really big. Of course, your answers may be different, but most people include: social roles, physical appearance, health, relationships, location, achievements and skills.

How do we form this self concept?

Researchers believe that we do not have it at birth, but soon after, we start recognizing there are other things but "us". At the age of six or seven months, babies can recognize their "self". At that stage, the self concept is only physical "this hand is me" or "this leg is me" and only later we discover other parts of our identity.

One theory about the formation of the self concept (Rosenberg) describes it as a product of the messages we receive throughout our lives. If you ask people what shaped their identity and made them who they are, they will recall the big events in their life, while in fact the subconscious mind records many more events that we consider insignificant but their accumulation forms our identity. Contrary to what people believe, our self concept is shaped by many tiny events.

As much as we do not like to admit it, every person's self concept is shaped by those around them. If you have received messages of appreciation, you are likely to appreciate yourself. If you have received massages of criticism, you are likely to feel less valuable, loveable and capable.

Our family is the first place where we received such messages. Our parents are a great source of input for our self concept, due to the importance they have in our life. Statistically, parents with healthy self concepts raise kids with healthy self concepts. When there is a gap between the parents' self concepts, (lucky us) kids will most likely choose the more positive parent model. If neither of the parents have a strong positive identity, the child will seek out an adult outside the family for a role model.

If you want to discover your self concept, try these things:

• Ask yourself "Who am I?" Write your answers on a peace of paper. Many people start with their name. Yes, I know, not everyone likes writing, but you need that list later and please be brutally honest.
• Think of someone in your life who helped you feel accepted, worthwhile, important, appreciated or loved. After bringing this person from your memory, find someone who acted in a way that diminishes your self esteem. What you think of yourself is an accumulation of such messages. Did you receive more positive or more negative messages?
• Go over your identity list and find out where you got each item from? Who is the person that "gave" you that part of your identity?
• Think of all the people around you - family members, friends, work colleagues and neighbors - and find out which part of your self concept they support, the positive one or the negative one.
• Think of your parents. Who sent positive messages? Who did the opposite and ask yourself "Which one of them influence my life most?"

What makes us accept or reject the messages we receive from others?

What people say to us has a major influence on our identity. But how is it that not all things peoples say to us mean as much. Some messages we accept and make them part of our self concept and others we reject and they fly high above our heads.

Unfortunately, we are not programmed to ignore the negatives and embrace the positives (though in our Be Happy in LIFE program, we teach our clients to program themselves to do just that).

In a research done in 1971 by Gergen, he found that there are four things that need to happen for us to accept a message:

1. Authority: The person who is giving the message needs to be in a position to do that - knowledgeable, experienced, in power
2. Familiarity: The person who is giving the message is presented as someone close to us who knows us well - family, friend...
3. Reinforcement: The person who is giving the message says something we already believe about ourselves. This person is only supporting a belief we already have about our self concept and identity
4. Repetition: We receive a number of similar messages from that person or from different people within a short timeframe

If the message comes from people who fit into one or more of the categories, we are more likely to embrace this message, even if the message is negative.

Truth is relative. If someone said I was lazy and he was knowledgeable, he was someone close to me, I already thought I was lazy or I had heard it more than once, I would become lazy! Laziness will be part of my identity, part of my self concept. Unfortunately, we do not doubt the truthfulness of those messages and allow them to enter our system freely. The younger we are, the easier it is to plant, intentionally or none intentionally identity concepts.

During coaching, many clients say they do not believe everything people say to them. Yes, I know, it is hard to admit we are so easily influenced. A recent research done on what people think is the truth found that people believed what they heard to be true if they heard it 3 times from one person or from 3 different sources, even if the massage was not true.

If this is the truth and we naturally think something is true just because we have heard it 3 times, let's explore how can we use it to our advantage.

1. Family is a great source of our identity. Most of our early beliefs we get from our family. Stick to family members that have a good self concept and are mainly positive.
2. Friends are another source of beliefs. Find friends that help you to be the person you want to be and make sure they have a good attitude. It is contagious.
3. Teachers and educators fall into the category of knowledgeable people in your life, and sometimes they also act like they know you well, so if you can, choose your teachers. At school, it is typically not your choice. But when you have the opportunity, choose empowering, positive and inspiring teachers. If you have kids, do it for them. It is invaluable
4. Media is a major source for our self concept. It can be severely damaging or rewarding, depending on what you are exposed to. If you watch ads saying (3 times) that you must eat some food or buy some product, be careful! The message might still be negative (after watching some kid show, my 6-year-old daughter already says she "must have" Baby Born...). Not everything you see on TV or Cinema is real and it does not matter how many times we say that it does not influence us. It does!
5. People at work also contribute to what we think about ourselves. Choose your work place wisely. Competitive work places are not healthy for your self concept. Find a workplace where people respect, appreciate and support each other. It will do you wonders

Truth is a concept we have in our mind. It can be erased or embraced. What others believe to be their "truth" has an easy path into our mind. The more meaningful those people to us, the faster we will embrace their messages, even if the messages are damaging and limiting.

It is a process and takes time to master, but until then, make sure you have a guard in place, checking each message and deciding whether to erase of embrace.

I would recommend you to embrace the massage that happiness is a choice!

Be happy in life,

 

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